


Down Under

by leeyumosaurus, leeyumosaurus (ziamosaurus)



Category: One Direction (Band), The Wanted (Band), X Factor (UK) RPF, X Factor RPF
Genre: AUSTRALIA!!!!, Cheeky Liam, Humor, M/M, Niall is magical, bad language sorry, chlamydia boy, crack!fic, oh look it's a koala!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-06
Updated: 2013-05-06
Packaged: 2017-12-10 11:17:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,717
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/785451
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/leeyumosaurus/pseuds/leeyumosaurus, https://archiveofourown.org/users/ziamosaurus/pseuds/leeyumosaurus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What happens Down Under...</p><p>(this was written purely for fun & a good laugh)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Down Under

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: Title self-explanatory. Note that I don’t know or care in the slightest whether or not Max George actually has chlamydia. I’m awful at making up titles. Sorry. Also not britpicked but I did my best...
> 
> Thanks to [the lovely Safaa](http://archiveofourown.org/users/unfortunate17) for beta-ing!
> 
> Usual disclaimer about owning all ideas & none of the characters applies. Story was only posted on AO3 originally (ie by me); please credit me if reblogging link, etc. Thanks & enjoy!

Zayn groaned in protest at Paul from his sprawled out position on the unmade bed in the middle of the room, fully dressed but still very much asleep.

“Do we have to?”

“C’mon ya lazy fecker, it’ll be fun!  Zoos are awesome, mate.  Especially here!”

“They’ve probably got loads of animals I’ve never seen before, except, you know, in the pictures and such,” Harry added helpfully.

“Aw Niall, lay off and for god’s sakes don’t jump on him, he’s tired.”

“Oh?  He’s _tired_ , is he?” accompanied by what was probably meant to be a significant eyebrow raise.  Liam couldn’t bring himself to care.

“Nothing you need to know about, Tommo.”  Liam paused, and, grinning fondly at the prone form on the duvet while sending a filthy wink Louis’ way, continued dramatically.  “Although if you must ask, we had some activity time together after you and I came back from surfing on the beach…”

“Alright, alright, I don’t wanna know, lads.  Can we get going already?”  Niall’s unreasonable enthusiasm at nine o’clock in the bloody morning apparently could not be dampened.

“The car’s downstairs already, boys.   Zayn, come on.  We’re taking photos and doing a fan meetup afterwards.”  When Paul’s words did nothing to rouse Zayn, who remained immobile, Liam went over to crouch next to his boyfriend and quickly whispered something that finally coaxed Zayn to uncurl himself from around the pillow he was holding, smirking slowly at Liam.  Liam gazed back at Zayn and nodded once almost imperceptibly, as if promising to make good on…

Paul stopped that train of thought dead in its tracks.  No no no no no, he _really_ didn’t need this.  Crossing his arms, he waited at the doorway for Zayn and Liam to leave, fingers entwined.  Sure, they were good together, good for each other, kept each other sane when things got out of hand or one of them got homesick or the fans were a bit much.  Which, admittedly, was quite often.  Still didn’t mean he had any desire to picture what they did in their spare time.  Paul shuddered to himself and agreed silently with the band’s lone Irishman – he didn’t even want to know.

~*~*~

“It’s a feeding station!  I’m off.”

“Ni, that’s not even proper food, like, for people…those are goats or something…”  Harry was perplexed by the blonde’s sudden outburst of excitement.  Meanwhile, Zayn and Liam had already wandered off in the opposite direction, no longer holding hands but still walking side by side.

“Oh come off it Haz, he’s not actually going to try to…”

“Lou, what is he doing?”

“Looks like your stupid fuck of a bandmate is off to eat that sheep’s lunch!”

“Oi, what are you even doing here?  You’ve no right to call our Nialler stupid, you tit.  You’re thicker than your own eyebrows, wanker.”

The subject of their conversation had ambled back over during the course of Louis’ half-arsed retort, guffawing loudly at how idiotic the entire argument was while Harry looked on quizzically.

“Oh, look, he’s back!  Meeeeeh meeeeh meeeeeeeh?”  Niall about fell over laughing.  It was like watching a parrot try to tap dance – Max George wasn’t cut out to do animal impressions.  _Although he acts like one half the time_ , Niall thought to himself.

“Where’re the rest of you lot?  The faggy one with the stupid hair and his little boyfriend?”

Harry’s eyes narrowed suddenly in a flash of green, sparking dangerously in the sunlight.  “Have you got a problem with them?”

Knowing Harry hit the punching bags a few times a week, Niall moved to hold his furious mate back, hoping to avoid a scene as Max spluttered on blithely.

“Management ought to keep a better eye on the two of ‘em.  ‘ve seen them out when they couldn’t sit, walk, see, or piss straight, much less be –“ the end of the sentence dissolved into cackles.  Niall was the only other one who seemed to find anything funny about the entire situation, chuckling darkly as he dragged a seething Harry away and letting their security stop Louis from escalating the confrontation further.  _You won’t be able to sit, walk, see, or piss straight either, mate.  Just you wait._

~*~*~

If Max doubled over in the loo by himself and collapsed in front of a urinal an hour later, only to black out and grow little claws out of fingers that became furry paws, well, of course that had nothing whatsoever to do with Niall.

~*~*~

_Meet @ koalas in 20 fr pix_

_Fans in 1h_

Liam’s phone buzzed twice with reminders from Harry and Paul about the day’s remaining activities as Zayn scowled menacingly at a nearby kangaroo.

“Zee, no, they actually do box.  Like, if you keep staring at that one it’s gonna come over and knock you out.  Look at the card, it says that thing weighs twice as much as you do!  Zee…”  Liam had to bodily remove Zayn from his staring match with the increasingly restless kangaroo.

Zayn shook out of Liam’s grasp, continuing to squint in the same direction.  “Zee, what is it?”

“Li, is that…”

“Oh, yeah, The Wanted are here today as well.  I knew they would be so I took you to the other end of this zoo so we wouldn’t have to run into them and ruin our day.”  By this time, Liam had also spotted them.  They appeared to be...jogging down the road…toward 1D’s security team?!

“Has anyone seen Max?”  Tom attempted to whisper to the 1D guards, but Liam heard anyway, curiosity piqued.  “He went to the loo two and a half hours ago and hasn’t come back.”

Liam couldn’t help but snicker at that, mouthing _He fell into the toilet_ at a puzzled Zayn.

Jay looked murderous.  “Oi, is this funny, mate?  You know what would be even funnier?  If I –“

“Jay, shut up if you don’t want your arse on the ground right now.  Lads, we’ll take care of this.  Zayn and Liam, you’re going with Joel to the koala enclosure for photos.  The rest of you stay here and keep calm.”  Members of The Wanted’s security team, who had finally caught up, took over restraining Jay after 1D’s guards had finished barking out orders.  Zayn shrugged at Liam and began to follow Joel.

“Right bloody mess he’s gotten ‘imself into,” Zayn muttered quietly to Liam.

“Seriously, who gets lost in the loo for two and a half hours?  Even _he’s_ not quite _that_ thick…”

They were still giggling to each other as they arrived at the koala pen at the same time as Paul and the other half of their security team, who had Niall, Louis, and Harry in tow.

“Lads, did you hear Max George’s been in the toilet for almost three hours and still hasn’t come out yet?”  Liam relayed excitedly immediately upon seeing his other bandmates.

“Must have got quite a lot of shit in him to need to be in there that long.”  Louis received a high-five from Zayn for his snarky comeback.

“Boys, over here,” Paul called.  “This is Anna, the keeper in charge of all of the koalas.  She’s going to show you how to hold them so they won’t hurt you with their claws.”

A slightly breathless keeper with wildly curly blond hair and tanned skin dressed in a rumpled polo and cargo pants emerged from the cage, closing the door behind her carefully.  “G’day, mates!  I’m actually only the assistant keeper – the other one’s gone off on vacation.  Here, let’s get down to it – I’ll bring out one of our little ones to show you how it’s done.”  While she was speaking, she had deftly unlocked the door, pulled out a scraggly-looking koala, and, with the animal in her arms, shut the door securely again.

“See, you’ve got to support its bum with one arm and hold its head with the other, just like you would with a baby, but don’t cradle the koala or move too much while you’re holding it – you don’t want it to get sick on you.”  The boys listened, almost morbidly fascinated.  “As for the claws, don’t worry too much about them – we clip their nails regularly, and they’re mostly harmless anyway.  Alright, who wants to have a go at it first?”

Louis volunteered, grinning maniacally.  Paul recognized that look.  It was a look that spelled trouble.  Louis was probably going to swing the koala like a dancing partner just to see if it would actually puke its guts out.  That wouldn’t do.  “Lou, why don’t you let her hold the koala, and we can get some photos of the two of you staring at each other.  You can even make stupid faces at it.”  Louis pouted at Paul immediately.  “Louis, I said make faces at the koala, not at me.”

“Fine.”  And several ridiculous photos were quickly snapped.  Louis was about to get creative with his posing when Paul stepped in to allow someone else camera time.

“Zayn, you’re up next.”  The boy looked a bit disgusted, but did as he was told.  He looked down at the top of the koala’s head, noticing a bald patch where fur should have been – shouldn’t it?  He wasn’t sure.  Maybe they were supposed to look like that.  It wasn’t like he’d ever seen photos of the top of a koala’s head.  On top of that, the koala smelled funny.  Not quite like the rest of the enclosure.  Hmm.  Oh well, fuck that.  He was done with this.

“Are we quite finished?”

“Yeah, we are.  Harry!  Harry, over here!  It’s your turn!”

Harry loped over, all the while staring at the koala still in Zayn’s arms.  “Wait, are those…eyebrows?  Do koalas have eyebrows?  And why is it blinking at you Nialler?  Are you like, the Koala Whisperer or something, mate?”

Niall was shaken out of his staring match with the strange koala, throwing a slightly strained smile Harry’s way.  “No, Haz, what are you talking about?  And what the feck is a Koala Whisperer?”

But luckily, Harry wasn’t listening anymore, already busy pulling spectacularly goofy faces at the koala and hamming it up for the cameras.  Niall relaxed again, only to be accosted by someone else – Liam this time.

“Oh my god, Haz was right, it _does_ have eyebrows!  They’re even bigger than mine!”  Liam _giggled_.  Leave it to Liam to be amazed by the silliest things ever.

Harry made a surprised noise a few feet away, and the koala looked up from its perch against Harry’s chest, directly at Niall, with an unreasonably smug expression in its large, beady eyes.

“It weed on me!”

“It did _what?!_ ”

“I said, it took a wee!  On me!”

“Oh my god.”  Everyone but Harry cracked up, completely thrown off by the hilarity of the unexpected… _situation_.  Harry continued to grimace uncomfortably.

“Everyone, calm down.  Harry, we’ll get you cleaned up.  C’mon.  Liam, hurry and get some photos, we’ve only got a few minutes before we need to leave.”  Paul hustled Harry off and nudged Liam in the direction of Anna, who was holding the strange koala and cooing at it.

Liam let Anna place the koala on him so it was hanging off his shoulders – the claws dug into his skin, and _oh dear they were quite long_ but he wasn’t going to complain about something that insignificant.  The cameras flashed again, temporarily blinding Liam.

As his vision cleared of blurry green dots, he spied Harry striding down the path.  “Let’s get some group photos, lads!”  Paul urged.  Louis was nowhere to be found, having wandered off, probably doing incredibly dangerous things like poking lions through their cages with sticks or summat.  Zayn was asleep, jacket covering his face, and Paul _really_ didn’t want to deal with annoyed, _annoying_ , groggy teenage boy right now.  Harry, Liam, and Niall it would be.

“I don’t have to hold it again, do I?”  Already wary of the gray furry creature, Harry shied away from its unnaturally piercing gaze.  Was that koala… _frowning?_   Now he was seeing things.  Harry shook out his hair to clear his thoughts, and took another step away from the animal.

“No, no, just stand next to Liam and smile.”

Relieved, Harry moved to Liam’s other side, shielded from the koala by Liam’s back, and grinned, dimple showing in full force.  Niall, who was staring strangely at the koala again, was tugged out of his reverie quickly by an impatient Paul, who dragged him next to the fuzzy bundle in Liam’s arms and yelled something about smiling before moving nimbly out of frame.

They were in the middle of a series of photos when Niall saw the koala blink purposefully at him.  _Oh Jaysus._   It arched an eyebrow at the ever-oblivious Liam.  Niall had to keep smiling for the cameras, couldn’t warn Liam that…

“Oh, would you look at that.  It’s gone and taken a wee on me too!”  The koala grinned nastily, showing teeth at Niall during Liam’s exclamations of surprise as it was handed off back to Anna, as if to say _I win this round, mate._   Niall wasn’t entirely sure what to make of this, having expected him – it – to be a bit more cowed, but…

“Oi Nialler, the koala’s been making eyes atcha – sure you don’t want pictures alone with the lovely creature?”

Niall snickered to himself.  _If they only knew what the koala really was.  And how much the “koala” wants to kill me._   “Nah, I’m fine – wouldn’t want it to wee all over me too.”  _If he gets his claws on me he’ll probably do much worse than just taking a wee…_

“Lads!  Let’s get Liam cleaned up quickly!  If we don’t leave in two minutes we’re going to be late to the signing!”  Paul rushed around frantically trying to keep everything under control as everyone else wandered around aimlessly.  “You, go find Louis and bring ‘im back here!  Hurry!”  Joel ran off to carry out Paul’s bidding, back and out of breath in record time with Louis in tow as Liam emerged from the washroom with a clean shirt on.

“Time to go!”  Paul yelled as the van pulled in.

“Thanks Anna!”  The boys chorused, waving as they ducked inside the vehicle.  “G’bye boys!  Come back soon!”  She called back amicably, raising the paw of the unruly koala in her arms to mock-wave back at them.  The koala managed to catch Niall’s eye as he was about to climb into the van and _leered_ again.  Ugh.

“Mate, seriously, why does that thing keep lookin’ at you?”

“Haz, drop it.  I don’t know.  It’s a feckin’ weird critter.”

This answer seemed to satisfy Harry, who promptly snuggled into Louis and Niall as if he were a tree-climbing animal himself and demanded cuddles.  Niall heard Liam whisper to a half-asleep Zayn in his lap, _I can’t wait until we get back to the room, love,_ and saw Zayn’s mischievous smile in answer.  The Irishman groaned to himself.  It was going to be a long signing.

~*~*~

 _It’s almost too easy to escape from these stupid cages_ , Max thought to himself.  No one noticed the small, scruffy ball of fur scurrying unevenly to the men’s room.

Emerging only a few minutes later from the second stall as his bald, human self, Max looked in the mirror and sighed.  He definitely looked a bit worse for the wear, but that was probably something he could pass off as a joke to his bandmates.  _Stupid Irish cunt_ , he thought.  _I’ll get ya back for that one.  At least I got to take a wicked piss._

Loping out of the loo, Max wandered down a dirt path, knowing his bandmates would find him eventually.

~*~*~

“Mate!  Where the bloody ‘ell have you been?”

“We’ve looked everywhere for you!”

“Oi, don’t tell me you shagged one of the keepers?”

“Yeah, the one who was in charge of the koalas was bangin!”

Max almost laughed out loud at the last one as his bandmates rained questions on him and their security scowled at all of them.  It was just too funny.

“Nah, I took a piss and left, but I got a bit lost in the safari.”

“Y’alright, mate?”

“Yeah, I’m good.  Had to run away from a kangaroo, but other’n that it’s all peachy.  Phone’s outta battery.”  Lucky for Max, they let it drop then.  _If they only knew what_ really _happened in the koala cage…I didn’t even get to cop a good feel!  Stupid claws._

~*~*~

Although the boys were always happy to see their fans, everyone was tired after a long day out in the hot Australian sun, and _some people_ weren’t even half trying to keep their eyes open.

Niall idly wondered what his bandmates would say if they knew that the koala they were holding, whose bum they’d all touched, wasn’t…actually a koala.  Ah well.  It would probably have to wait until they got back to the hotel.

~*~*~

Zayn and Liam were all over each other in the van on the way back to the hotel.  Zayn seemed to have gained all of his energy back simply by snogging Liam noisily while grinding into his lap shamelessly.  Niall shuddered, and decided he might as well use his announcement of sorts now to cool the sexual tension floating around in the back.  They already looked so horny they were about to give each other handjobs…

“Boys!”  They were still going at it.

“I’ve got something to tell you about that koala.”  Well _that_ got their attention fast.

“What?”

“What are you talking about?”

“Nialler, just spit it out, will ya?”  This from Zayn, who was apparently eager to get back to dry-humping Liam.  Eugh.

“Erm…well…thekoalawasactuallyMaxGeorge.”  Niall blushed bright red as his bandmates gaped at him.

“Are you taking the piss, mate?”  Zayn glowered.

“Oh for god’s sakes Niall!  That’s not even a good joke!”  Louis pounced on his blonde bandmate in mock outrage.

“No, I swear!  I’m telling the truth!”

“Wait, what does that koala have to do with Max George?  And how did you know about it Ni?”

Thankful that at least _someone_ was taking him seriously, Niall continued bravely.  “Well Haz, remember when Max came over to say some nasty things about our best mates?”

“Ah.  Yes.”  Harry frowned.

“What?  What happened?”

“Li, I don’t want to repeat it.  Anyway, I kind of decided that I’d let him have a taste of not being able to sit, walk, see, or piss straight for a while.  Yeah.  That’s it.”

“Wait, so, like, you, turned an actual human being…into a koala?!”

“That thing did smell a bit off…and it had a bald patch on the top of its head…oh my god…”  Zayn was beginning to put the pieces together.

“And it had eyebrows!  See I’m telling you!”

“Yes, Li, we noticed.”

“Hold on, you’re telling me Max George took a wee on me?”

“You tosser, Ni!  You let that bastard piss on me?  And Liam?”

“Doesn’t Max George have chlamydia or summat?”  Zayn’s quiet voice cut through the commotion, and silence dropped immediately.  _Oh shit._

Suddenly Louis grinned wickedly.

In the other car, Paul’s phone pinged with a text from Louis.

_Wht happens if u get clamidia_

_Oh god.  Simon is going to roast my arse._   Paul thought carefully through his answer as his professional life flashed before his eyes, and sent a text back.

_Does 1 of u have it????_

_No were jst curious_

Paul wasn’t convinced.

_Y r u lads talkin bout chlamydia ot of nowhr_

The answering text made the Irish bodyguard want to laugh and throttle someone at the same time.

_O Ni said the koala had it & it pissed on Haz n Li_

Without further ado, Paul called Louis’ phone.

“And to what do I owe the pleasure of this lovely phone call?”

“Louis, I don’t have time for your overdramatic antics now.  Put us on speaker, will ya?”

“Grumpy today, are we.” followed quickly by a chorus of “Hi Paul!”

“Zayn and Liam, get your hands off each other this minute.  This is serious business and I don’t want you two fooling around.”

The two of them stared at each other, wondering how Paul knew they were –

“Oh quit gawping like dead birds!  I’m not psychic but I know the two of you all too well…”

Sighing, Zayn grudgingly relinquished his comfy spot in Liam’s lap, rolling over into the next seat and lacing his fingers with his boyfriend’s instead.

“All of you listen up.  We’re going to get you tested for STIs as soon as we get to the next city.  In the meantime, no trading bodily fluids with anyone until we get the results back.  Which will probably be another two weeks.  Alright?”

“So all’s you’re saying is we’ve got to use condoms, yeah?”  Zayn winked mischievously at Liam, who definitely liked where this was turning.

“Oi, you weren’t already – never mind.”  They could almost hear Paul blushing, embarrassment clear over the phone.  “Oh, and no swappin’ spit either.  Ya hear?”

Liam pouted as Zayn visibly deflated at this news.

“Anyone else got questions?  We’re almost back to the hotel.  No?  Alright.  Bye.”  The call ended abruptly as Paul sought to avoid having to give more awkward answers.

“Ugh Li, I hate the taste of latex though!”

“It’s alright love, we still have that tin of chocolate sauce we picked up the other week in your duffel, yeah?  And we can go get some flavored –”

“Oi lads, keep it down over there!  No one wants to hear about your kinky sex life!”

“That’s not what you said last time you walked in on us, mate –“

Everyone dissolved into a fit of laughter as Niall turned several interesting shades of pink again.

Liam brightened suddenly.  “Hey Zee, I just thought of something else –“

“NO you absolute nutter!  That waits until you get to the room, and I’m kipping with Haz tonight,” declared Niall as Zayn began mouthing at Liam’s birthmark, the two lovers lost in their own world again in the back seat of the van.  The last thing the blonde heard before covering his ears was Liam’s low voice murmuring “Mm babe, I can make you come in 5 minutes, wanna bet? I'll make good on that promise...”

**Author's Note:**

> Obviously inspired by Zayn's "chlamydia boy" [tweet to Max](http://www.justfashion.ca/wp-content/uploads/2011/images/one-directions-zayn-malik-gives-the-wanteds-max-george-an-unfortunate-nickname_nyd-e_2.jpg) & the revelation that [the koala everyone got cozy with in Australia](http://www.mirror.co.uk/3am/weird-celeb-news/one-directions-harry-styles-and-liam-801766) had...well what a coincidence! Chlamydia as well! Also [this photo](http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mdz9qaaTPt1rzyljso1_500.jpg) is just too great not to include.
> 
> Please leave feedback in the comments section! I'm new to writing (though not the fandom) & appreciate any advice you have to give! :)
> 
> Find me on [tumblr](http://leeyumosaurus.tumblr.com)! [Writing blog here.](http://leeyumosaurus-writes.tumblr.com)


End file.
